Aeon. n.d. “What’s so Awkward about an Awkward Silence? | Aeon Essays.” Accessed June 27, 2025. https://aeon.co/essays/whats-so-awkward-about-an-awkward-silence.

Notes

In-text annotations

"They explain: ‘people are, due to the evolutionary importance of group membership, highly sensitive to perceiving exclusion’. In other words, silences are uncomfortable when they make us worry that we don’t belong." (Page )

"This explanation makes sense. When a silence goes on too long, we sense that we are failing to connect with the other person. Silence makes salient that we are struggling with an interaction that should, if all parties have enough in common, flow effortlessly. (It’s interesting to note that silences are less likely to be awkward when we don’t have this expectation that the interaction should flow effortlessly, such as when we’re trying to converse across a patchy phone connection.) When things don’t flow, we worry that perhaps this person we’re trying to interact with just isn’t one of our people. And especially if we’re invested in their being a fellow group member – as Taylor was invested in being fellow academic philosophers with Lewis – struggling to interact smoothly leaves us worrying that we’re not going to be accepted." (Page )

"Sometimes, we find it easy to interpret a person’s silence – but, for that to happen, we need context. This might include things like familiarity with the silent person and how they typically communicate and what they’re likely to make of the situation they’re in." (Page )

"If you’ve ever exchanged a glance with someone and felt confident that you both know exactly what the other is thinking, it’s your knowledge of context that makes your silent connection so effortless." (Page )

"What about our worry about having others correctly interpret our silence? This idea might strike you as odd. Goffman’s model of role-playing helps us understand what’s going on here. Just as Goffman believed that we have a ‘frontstage’ persona when we’re interacting with others, we also have a ‘backstage’ persona. This is when we drop the role and relax, like an actor walking off stage and discarding their costume. We’re backstage when we’re relaxing at home in our pyjamas, free from worries about who might see us and what they might think. It can be stressful to have our backstage persona exposed, as when we sneak outside to put the bins out and find that our date from last night happens to be passing and has caught sight of our pyjamas and unwashed hair. Our backstage selves are not necessarily anything to be ashamed of, but neither are they intended for public view." (Page )

"Interaction between friends is sometimes like a therapy session, in which one friend silently allows another to gather their thoughts between periods of speaking. And often, when friends are together, there’s no clear answer to the question ‘Is a conversation currently in progress?’ Time shared by friends can resemble Quakers’ silent worship: someone may speak when they have something to share, but there is no expectation to do so. In cases like this, silence is not disruptive because there is nothing for them to disrupt." (Page )